I'm back!!

Hey guys dunno if u all noe. Tis has been moved to www.cheechee-at-dubai.blogspot.com Cya there!! =)

Have You Ever...?

Have you ever felt like you've woken up from a bad dream, only to find that it's a dream within another dream?

Have you ever walked amongst the crowd but feel like they're actually walking past you, while you're just walking on the spot?

Have you ever felt so lost among people you wish the earth would just open up and swallow you?

Have you ever walked and suddenly find you have no energy to continue anymore, that you feel like just squatting down and giving up?

Have you ever felt as if you can never stop crying?

Never believe in 2nd chances again

As the dust settled, as i grew stronger each day, he came back. Man are such 'fan jian' creatures u noe. Was pretty sweet while it lasted. Until i dropped the bomb on him. I'm leaving. Then all the uncertainty came back.

As time passed I began to realise that hey mebbe i'm really not so bad/lousy after all. While he grew more n more insecure knowing that if he doesn't want me others do. So while i've been so hurt, so afraid of him now, i'm still trying to make him feel secure. Ridiculous rite? We're not even anything. In fact, yest he told me 'hao lai hao san'. Wahhh use my line on me siah. Ultimate insult.

Well... tis been wat i'm readying myself for isn't it? That at the end of the day, everything'll be back to square 1. this time i tried to hold back a bit, dun believe everything he says. Tink twas betta bah. At least not even tho i still feel upset (like how sincere was he rite??) I'm not gonna kill myself over it. Muz keep reminding myself the worst is over.

i can be happy with or without him. It's juz a diff kind of happiness i guess. Okiedoks... it's keep-myself-busy-to-avoid-tinking-or-waiting-for-him time again!

Enlightenment

I finally realised during facial today what was causing my insomnia. My doc kept asking me watz bothering me and I juz assumed that it was cuz this whole thing was on my mind all the time so i couldn't rest properly.

Came back from overnight flt this morning. Was a bad flt, didn't sleep the whole nite. Reached home, showered, blow dry hair n went to bed bout 7am. 9am i woke up. Juz had this kinda uneasy feeling... U noe like u're supposed to rem sthg but juz couldn't?

Went for facial at 2. Was so tired that towards the end i fell asleep. But cuz with the therapist coming in and out u noe that kinda sleeping but not soundly kinda feeling whereby u sorta still noe watz gg on? Then i had the nitemare. Bout him n Jaime. Really jolted myself 'awake' then realised the tears were already rolling down n I was hyperventilating. Suddenly there was juz this sense of deja vu. That this is not the 1st or 2nd time i've woken up lidat.

Mebbe that's it. I'm afraid of sleeping for too long in case i get nitemares like this again. I'm really very tired. Haven't slept well for the past 1mth already even with sleeping pills. Until my doc refuse to give me anymore. Put me back on relaxant instead.

there was juz this 1 night i slept really well. Sunday nite. the first time he started his rubbish, after the incident at Denise's house. Really solidly slept for bout 3 hrs+ then i woke up to go home. After that cannot sleep again but for the first time juz felt relaxed enuff.

So now that i noe... Really hope that i can sleep properly. Nowadays the weather's so bad.. Not enuff rest will fall sick very easily. All of u muz rest well too yah. =)

Y do this to me??

*I honestly swear that the following is the truth n nothing but the truth*

181105 20:36 hours

Him: Actually i have a lot of things i wanna say to you. But i guess me seeing you with jack yest sort of told me otherwise. Don't think i can get over it either..

181105 20:42 hours

Him: I guess i still miss you a lot. But there's a lot of angst and both of us not willing to give in. Really miss the times we shared and i thought that you were the one. Am so sorry that i hurt you in anyway. Guess i am not such a good bf after all..

181105 20:59 hours

Me: If u have things u wanna say then say it. It might or might not help but at least u feel betta? =) It shouldn't be dependent on who u see me with rite? At least i did lah. I'm not ready to be gracious bout seeing u n whoever n i apologise for that. but really it's ur call =) miss u lots too.

181105 20:56 hours

Him: Do you think it's still possible between us? Are you willing to forgive and forget.

181105 22:09 hours

Him: Do you think it's still possible between us? Are you willing to forgive and forget?

181105 22:56 hours

Me: I asked u the same question too. U haven't ans me yet?

181105 22:52 hours

Him: I think so

181105 23:45 hours

Me: Y do u keep changing ur stand? I'm v confused lei.. =) Like that not v healthy u noe..

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I called him approx 2 hours after that. Wanted to meet up and talk. Wanted to see him cuz he stirred up all the emotions again. he told me there's another girl in bed with him. I told him not to be spiteful and that I'm dead serious. Did he really have someone beside him and he said yes.

I juz crumbled. Then wat was the point in telling me all that? I told him to stop telling me all these nonsense anymore. He said okie. We ended up quarrelling again n i'm wondering all thru the argument wat was the girl thinking. Then i realised it happened to me also yah.

i dun mind saying it out here. Shutian called MY bf at that time, to go Clarke Quay to pick her up at 2.30am in the morning. Woke the both of us up. I was so upset then. Wat right did she have? She was/is still with Jaron! She can happily ask my bf "if i ask u to come pick me now will u? Pls?" To be fair i asked him also. Wat did u do/say to give her the impression she could demand sthg like this? U MUZ have done sthg lor. Or juz conveniently left out the fact that u're not available lor.

haha.. Ridiculous. Now i look back. Prolly same lor. TO the girl, this crazy woman calling HER bf at almost 2am n wanna meet him etc. Sighz... When will it end? I tot bout changing my hp no today seriously. Then i tot again. I'll be cancelling the line soon. Wat for? Trouble the whole world to change my no for 2 mths? Forget it.. Time to exercise MORE restraint n self-control.

Stoopid girl: Rem all these! I noe u dun like to rem unhappy stuff, esp abt pple but this is an exception. Tink of all the heartless things he said to u. Look at ur thigh. Rem all the beatings. Look at all ur mcs. Tink abt his car, his bed. Do u still wanna sit or lie on them when others have been there too?

If u have to be rude/ungracious for once in ur life do it! I noe u believe that hao lai then hao san. But is he worth it? I noe u're trying he's not helping u then dun bother bout him already. Listen to the whole world, ignore him!! U can be strong once, twice, u can do it again. This time, dun stray anymore. Dun believe his words anymore. Stop trying to help him, dun feel sorry for him anymore. He seems upset but he has someone(s) beside him. They will help him. It's not up to u anymore..

Seeing is believing..

Went to watch Sky High with sammie, pika n jack last night. Was the usual feel good show. Jack sent me n sam home.

Sammie reached home first, then we went Tampines Shell for manual car wash. turned in and *wham* his car was parked right there. Was so scared will run into him but he was nowhere to be seen. Juz as the car was being dried i saw him in his uniform, carrying a few NTUC plastic bags, crossing the road towards me. With a girl beside him.

I once told myself that if such a situation were to arise, I will graciously say hi n extend it to the girl too. I tink i'm not ready yet. i went 1 corner n called sammie. He went inside to pay. i was bio-ing the girl. Nothing special. Was she prettier than me? Dunno... mebbe. Jack said no. Thanks if u were being nice.

After, he opened the door for her n drove off w/o a glance towards me. I cried on the way back. Then i realised that yup. Move it move it. Since i prepared myself that such a day will happen, it prolly came a lil' earlier than i would've like but yeah... oh well.

We exchanged a bunch of smses after that. Started with me asking bout Magic cuz his nick was 'sick magic'. Prolly wasn't intended for me anyway. He asked if i wanna bring him to the vet tog n i said okie. guess wat? Plans changes as usual. N as per normal i'm sitting here wondering watz happenning.

Sigh....

As the dust settles...

Pple come up to me now and tell me hey actually i saw ur ex bf with so n so, at where n where but i didn't dare tell u blahblah.

It still hurts to noe. Esp the Ikea part. We were supposed to go and get stuff for his room but yah.. he went with another girl. Shall not even attempt to guess who. Momentarily my heart juz took a stab. then i keep telling myself i shouldn't be feeling this way. It's understandable but it's over.

Nowadays i concentrate all my energies on settling things to leave. Such a lot to do but am starting on it. I'm actually very scared that in the end after pinning such high hopes on it i wun get to leave cuz of the medical. Sigh...

I need to re-settle my thoughts and mindset again. We've broken up, he's free to go out with anyone and so am I. There's really no way we can get back tog so juz take things easy. Keep a friend. I still hope to help him if i can but i have to accept that I can't even help myself now. Okie.. muz recover first. Gg to work later... Dun feel sian!!

God bless...